Rhapsodic

...even Google is sometimes guilty of unfortunate ad placement.

via Google Reader

I spend a fair bit of time scouring souq.com. Most of the things I look for are pretty specific: cheap books that I’d like to add to my collection instead of borrow from the library 439872340347 times, lenses for my Nikon D200, a used Wacom tablet being given away for free by a philanthropic graphic designer who wants to renounce materialism (and society) to become a hermit, vintage designer jewelry/bags sold at throwaway prices by clueless owners, Johnny Depp…

Ahem. Anyway.

The point is, for some completely unfathomable reason, I haven't managed to find any of the items mentioned above. Souq, you have failed me.

Instead, I find things like this:
1) A dress that’ll make a girl (or actually, probably her significant other) whinge and moan till (s)he’s red in the face.

2) A hellish dress. No really.
And here I thought the devil was supposed to be in a blue dress.



3) A series of blouses. No, I don’t know where the rest of the items in the sequence are.

4) A pegament predicament


5) Chicken suits. And just in time for Halloween too!
I wonder if this listing would run afoul (heh) with Lucknowi Chikan embroiderers.


6) A top that should be… a bottom?


7) Uninviting body parts. I’d say that maybe they’re catering to zombies (hyuk!), but even the undead prefer brains to intestines
And swaroviski and porsalain? Really? Can even find these things, unless they can think of every single possible permutation and combination of letters that could possibly make up a word?


8) Excited jewelery

How on earth does one stimulate a pearl? Actually, never mind. I don't want to know.
I'm just hoping it's intellectual stimulation rather than physical. How else will they compete with cultured pearls in the pearly dating scene?


9) To help you nip your young 'uns in the bud.
Note: I do not endorse baby sterilization. What happens when you change your mind and want grandkids, eh?


10) Pants for the moist and smelly.

Fresh and dry need not apply.

While compiling a driving playlist for my iPod, I found this via my last.fm plugin.

There's an album of Housework Songs? And why is a rousing Tina Turner anthem on this? And I really don't know where to begin about the chick who's getting her groove on and singing into the vacuum hose. There are just far too many suggestive comments to make, and it would take up the rest of my morning. Still, she looks disturbingly happy about a machine that does little but suck up dirt and grime.

Track listing is as follows. Apart from the first song on CD 1 and the 9th on CD 3, I don't think ANY of them work.

Tracks:

CD1:
01. Queen — I Want To Break Free
02. Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons — December ‘63 (Oh What A Night)
03. Dolly Parton — 9 To 5
04. The Bangles — Manic Monday
05. Bobby McFerrin — Don’t Worry Be Happy
06. Jackie Wilson — I Get The Sweetest Feeling
07. LaBelle — Lady Marmalade
08. Aretha Franklin — Respect
09. Roy Orbison — Oh, Pretty Woman
10. The Turtles — Happy Together
11. The Archies — Sugar Sugar
12. The Monkees — Daydream Believer
13. Labi Siffre — It Must Be Love
14. Bellamy Brothers — Let Your Love Flow
15. UB40 & Chrissie Hynde — Got You Babe
16. Fun Boy Three & Bananarama — It Ain’t What You Do It’s The Way That You Do It
17. Blondie — Tide Is High
18. Lily Allen — Smile
19. Lene Marlin — Sitting Down Here
20. Simon Webbe — No Worries
21. Blue — All Rise
22. Eva Cassidy & Katie Melua — What A Wonderful World


CD2:
01. Katy Perry — Hot N Cold
02. Lily Allen — The Fear
03. Kylie Minogue — Wow
04. KT Tunstall — Suddenly I See
05. Corinne Bailey Rae — Put Your Records On
06. Jem — It’s Amazing
07. Nickelback — Rockstar
08. The Proclaimers — I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)
09. Alphabeat — Fascination
10. The Boo Radleys — Wake Up Boo!
11. Supergrass — Alright
12. T. Rex — I Love To Boogie
13. Katrina & The Waves — Walking On Sunshine
14. Jane Wiedlin — Rush Hour
15. Erasure — Take A Chance On Me
16. Sheena Easton — 9 To 5
17. UB40 — (I Can’t Help) Falling In Love With You
18. LeAnn Rimes — Can’t Fight The Moonlight
19. Cliff Richard — Carrie


CD3:
01. Cyndi Lauper — Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
02. The Weather Girls — It’s Raining Men
03. KC & The Sunshine Band — Give It Up
04. Duran Duran — Rio
05. Kim Wilde — Kids In America
06. The Human League — Don’t You Want Me
07. Starsound Stars On 45 — Abba Medley
08. Starsound Stars on 45 — Beatles Medley
09. Gloria Gaynor — I Will Survive
10. Blondie — Heart Of Glass
11. M C Hammer — U Can’t Touch This
12. Pato Banton & The Reggae Revolution — Baby Come Back
13. Shaggy — Boombastic
14. Jamelia — Superstar
15. The Source & Candi Staton — You Got The Love
16. SNAP! — Rhythm Is A Dancer
17. Spiller & Sophie Ellis-Bextor — Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love)
18. The Shapeshifters — Lola’s Theme
19. Guru Josh Project — Infinity 2008


CD4:
01. Wings Let ‘Em In
02. Hot Chocolate — You Sexy Thing
03. Jean Knight — Mr Big Stuff
04. The Chiffons — Sweet Talkin’ Guy
05. Freda Payne — Band Of Gold
06. John Paul Young — Love Is In The Air
07. McFadden & Whitehead — Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now
08. KC & The Sunshine Band — That’s The Way (I Like It)
09. Tavares — Heaven Must Be Missing An Angel
10. Shocking Blue — Venus
11. Norman Greenbaum — Spirit In The Sky
12. Don McLean — American Pie
13. Steve Harley & Cockney Rebel — Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me)
14. Donovan — Sunshine Superman
15. Jeff Beck — Hi Ho Silver Lining
16. Pilot — Magic
17. Gilbert O’Sullivan — Get Down
18. Dave Edmunds — I Hear You Knocking
19. Tommy James & The Shondells — Mony Mony
20. The Beach Boys — Help Me Rhonda
21. Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons — Beggin\x{2019}


CD5:
01. Peggy Lee — Fever
02. Frank Sinatra — Come Fly With Me
03. Julie London — Fly Me To The Moon
04. Frank Sinatra — Love And Marriage
05. Dean Martin & Helen O’Connell How D’Ya Like Your Eggs In The Morning
06. The Everly Brothers — (’Til)I Kissed You
07. Bruce Channel — Hey Baby
08. Chubby Checker — Let’s Twist Again
09. Little Eva — The Locomotion
10. Gerry & The Pacemakers — How Do You Do It?
11. Bobby Vee — Take Good Care Of My Baby
12. Dion — Runaround Sue
13. The Swinging Blue Jeans — The Hippy Hippy Shake
14. Manfred Mann — Do Wah Diddy Diddy
15. The Beach Boys — I Get Around
16. Herman’s Hermits — I’m Into Something Good
17. The Seekers — Morningtown Ride
18. Louis Armstrong — We Have All The Time In The World
19. Matt Monro — From Russia With Love
20. Nat ‘King’ Cole — Unforgettable

Scene: Sibling and me while watching X-Men

Me: So what would you do if I was a mutant?
Sibling: I'd probably be insanely jealous and try to kill you to figure out the secret behind your powers.
Me: What?! I don't think you'd be a sensitive character, in a movie audience context!
Sibling: Hey, don't blame me. I'd be totally excited. I'd cut off the top of your head and then go, "Hmmm... what does Sylar do next? Try to remember try to remember!" They never actually show that bit, do they? Sad.

__________
Scene: Random conversation over Shani and Twistos with Asif

Me: She sounds interesting. What’s she like?
Asif: Partly hot, partly smart.
Me: Oooh okay! You know, that’s fairly common with girls, but you rarely see guys who are partly hot and partly smart.
Asif: You rarely see guys with a hot party smell?
Me: …

__________
Scene: After I gave Sharon the wrong television airing time for the Miss Kerala beauty pageant.

Sharon: No Miss Kerala on Asianet! Mother inconsolable.

__________
Scene: While telling Ciby about the National Aptitude Test for Architecture, in India

Me: Man, in some ways, the FE exam was easier to prep for and DO! Look at the sample questions:

1. From a balcony of your fourth floor apartment you are looking at a small place of worship surrounded by a garden. Depict the scenario on a busy sunny day. Use an appropriate pencil as a medium.
2. Using in desired numbers, the basic geometric shapes found in a bicycle, make a visually appealing composition without overlapping the pieces and colour it using three colours in a medium of your choice.

Ciby: The first question is pretty straightforward. The second question is well... I knew I should have tried something like that every time I crashed my bike. I did give it a try though:

Me: I am SO blogging about this.

__________
Scene: Overseas homosexual friend discussing his suspicious lack of sex drive

Me: I suppose you’d do well with a frigid woman…
Friend: THIS IS BAD! I’m a disgrace to gays everywhere! I’m like a chick stuck in a gay man’s body!

__________
Scene: While driving around on an admittedly hazy day

Loony, Unnamed, Nonsensical Entity: Look, the moon looks sooo huge!
[dead silence, crickets chirping, owl hooting]
LUNE: That’s not the moon, is it?
Me: Nope, it’s the sun…

__________
Scene: In a car with four other people, discussing who has the worst handwriting amongst us.

Ciby: I don’t think I’ve seen my handwriting in years.
Me: You mean since university?
Ciby: No, long before that.
ALL: …

__________
Scene: I go to the living room at 10.30 pm and find mum, sibling and dog

Me: Where's dad?
Mum: Gone to bed.
Me: Already?
Mum: Yeah. I have the remote. *grins*

_________

Scene: Talking to Pravin, Sibling butting in.

Me[to Pravin, being rather sarcastic and apologizing for something I should not have been apologizing for]: I’m sorry, forgive me.
Sibling [yelling]: NO! You are NOT supposed to ask for forgiveness! When someone offends you, you're supposed to take his women as compensation! Haven't you read the Illiad?!"
Pravin: …
Me: I guess you owe me two womenses?
Pravin: Why two?
Me: Fine, I’ll take them all.
Pravin: Why all?
[Sibling whispers to me]
Me: Apparently, she requires a commission.

__________
Scene: Father finds a Belhasa Driving Institute Pamphlet slipped under our door.

Dad: Oh look, you only need to be 17 to get a bike license.
(Overseas readers: UAE residents need to be 18 before they can apply for a driving license for a car.)
50 something Mum[thoroughly excited]: Oh, that means I can apply!
Dad and me: ?!
Mum: I just turned 17! [silly grin]

__________
Scene: In the supermarket, after maneuvering around a guy standing motionless and reading a juice carton label.

Me: Ugh! Does he have to block half the aisle while he examines his package?!
Sibling: *giggle*
Me: ... That sounded wrong, right?